By Kyle Smith
Monday, March
28, 2022
Hey, I said they should hire Chris Rock to
host again. Am I ever wrong? The guy was on stage for 30 seconds and he
single-handedly turned a weird, dull Oscar ceremony into one for the ages. The
GIF shall be immortal.
Rock made a joke about Jada Pinkett
Smith’s buzz cut: “Jada, I love you, G.I. Jane 2, can’t wait to see
it!” Except Mrs. Smith has a medical condition that causes hair loss. Did Rock
know this? I didn’t. Will Smith laughed at the joke initially, then looked over
at his unhappy wife and reversed gears. Hard. Suddenly Mr. Nice Guy wasn’t so
nice. One of the biggest movie stars alive marched right up on stage and slapped
Chris Rock on the left jaw, though to his discredit Smith neglected to say,
“Welcome to Earth.”
Wouldn’t you know it? They hire three
women to host, and the boys steal the show by having a fight.
“Oho, wow! Will Smith just smacked the
sh** out of me! That was the . . . greatest night in the history of
television,” Rock said, not overstating facts. The guy must have worked a lot
of rowdy rooms in Laff Lounges and Ha-Ha Halls on the way up, but I’m guessing
he never got slapped in the face by a movie star before. Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock! Not only should he host the Oscars every year, he should be the
next secretary of state. Talk about grace under pressure. When was the last
time you got slapped in the face by a large man? I annoy people for a living,
and it hasn’t happened to me lately. If it had been you or me up there, we
would at least have been caught off guard to get smacked while
presenting an Oscar. Rock just moved on. He took it as though he’d rehearsed it
for a month.
Oh yeah, and the Oscar was won by the
biggest corporation on earth. Hurrah for the little guy! Apple TV+ sneakily won
Best Picture as the suits from its archrival Netflix looked around for
marketing people to treat the way Smith treated Rock. Netflix has been trying
to win itself the top Oscar for about ten years, has spent hundreds of millions
of dollars on this project, and it’s still got zilch. Instead, Apple TV+, which
launched just two years ago, won with CODA, a feel-good dramedy
about a lovable family of deaf people and their lovely daughter. It was the
first movie debuting on a streaming service and the first movie premiering at
the Sundance Film Festival ever to win Best Picture. It also won Best Adapted
Screenplay and Best Supporting Actor, for the previously unknown Troy Kotsur,
who, as a deaf man taking home an Oscar for acting, notched another first.
Meanwhile, Netflix sweatily pursued the Oscars with its can’t-miss
message-movie-of-the-week The Power of the Dog, “a dazzling
evisceration of one of the country’s foundational myths,” according to
the New York Times (i.e., it’s about a closeted homosexual
cowboy). It proved one of the biggest disappointments in Academy history.
Riding in with twelve nominations, it won only a single award — Best Director
for Jane Campion, who could hardly lose after everyone pointed out that only
two women had ever won in the category before.
As great as Rock was, Smith was pretty
good too. Minutes after hitting Rock, he won his first Oscar, as the dad of the
tennis phenoms the Williams sisters in King Richard. He must
have rewritten most of his speech in his head in the final hour, because now it
was all about how sometimes a man just has to slap a comic for insulting his
lady: “Richard Williams was a fierce defender of his family,” he said.
(Williams isn’t dead, but whatever.) Smith spoke of how he “got to protect” the
actresses in the film and said, “I’m being called on in my life to love people
and to protect people and to be a river to my people.” He cried freely, making
a swipe at Rock in the course of taking responsibility: Smith said that by now
he should have learned to “take abuse” and “have people disrespecting you” and
added, “You got to smile and pretend like that’s okay.” (I can hear Rock
responding, “It was a joke, man! Are you a grownup or not?”) Smith
did get around to apologizing, but not to Rock: “I want to apologize to
the Academy. I want to apologize to all my fellow nominees. . . . Thank you,
and I hope the Academy invites me back.”
Even before the Smith-Rock fracas, it was
one mighty weird ceremony. Three athletes you probably wouldn’t recognize if
you saw them at McDonald’s doing . . . a tribute to James Bond? A hip-hop
tribute to . . . The Godfather? A big production number built
around . . . a song that wasn’t nominated for an Oscar? Jokes from . . . Amy
Schumer? After last year’s Castor Oil Oscars, the mood was at least lighter
this time around. Only a couple of references to Ukraine, including one from
Ukrainian-descended Mila Kunis, followed by a moment of silence for that
country.
I give credit to co-hosts Schumer, Regina
Hall, and Wanda Sykes for at least trying to be funny. But they had no rapport
together, just as they have no record of working together. Why were they
actually on stage together? I have no idea. Especially when Rock and Tiffany
Haddish, two extremely funny people, were actually on the premises.
Fittingly enough for the night, the hosts
made cracks about how terrible some of the nominees were: Sykes said, of the
plodding The Power of the Dog, “I’ve watched that movie three times
and I’m halfway through it.” Fair. “This year we saw a frightening display of
how toxic masculinity turned into cruelty against women and children,” Hall
said. “Damn that Mitch McConnell!” added Sykes, in a joke that sounded like it
was written by an intern, or maybe by automated joke software. Later Sykes
presented a “Texas voter registration” card that “comes pre-shredded.”
Schumer, who had promised before the show
that she was going to pull a Ricky Gervais, proved willing to tweak the crowd. Some
of her jokes look pretty good on paper. Referring to Aaron Sorkin’s
terrible I Love Lucy movie Being the Ricardos, she
said, “I mean, the innovation to make a movie about Lucille Ball without even a
moment of funny . . . It’s like making a biopic about Michael Jordan and just
showing the bus trips between games.” Alas, Schumer is one of those comics
whose manner is so self-satisfied she almost makes it impossible for you to
laugh. “This year the Academy hired three women to host because it’s cheaper than
hiring one man,” she said at the top of the show, offering exactly the sort of
alternate-reality cliché you’d expect from a woman with a pay-to-talent ratio
approaching infinity. (Schumer lives in a $12 million apartment, indicating she is the first comic in history to earn a million bucks
for every person on earth who thinks she’s funny.)
The one joke that landed during the
opening monologue was when Hall said, “You know, we’ve been dealing with Covid
for two years. It’s been really hard on people.” “Just look at Timothée
Chalamet,” continued Schumer, and the camera cut to J. K. Simmons instead. But
the joke would have worked better if the audience actually knew who Timothée
Chalamet was. Chalamet was wearing a sparkly tuxedo jacket over a bare chest,
the sight of which suggested that he either (a) is on an unannounced hunger
strike, (b) has never seen the inside of a gym, or (c) is actually a seventh
grader. The “edgy” joke came from Sykes: “We’re going to have a great night
tonight, and for you people in Florida, we’re going to have a gay night. Gay
gay gay gay gay gay.” Brave. Brave brave brave brave brave. Sykes got a laugh
returning from a break dressed as Richard Williams from King Richard,
then the bit wobbled when Hall appeared as Tammy Faye Bakker, then it died
completely when Schumer descended clumsily from the rafters as Spider-Man.
Overall, the ceremony suffered from the
same problems as ever: Despite streamlining things by moving the awarding of
eight technical Oscars to a pre-show ceremony, the broadcast still managed to
be one of the longest in history, at nearly four hours. Star power was lacking,
which is why we had to suffer though watching John Leguizamo saying the model
for the Oscar statuette was Latino, so, “If you win you’re gonna have 13½
inches of Mexican in your hands.” Ew. A big splashy number gave us “We Don’t
Talk About Bruno,” even though that song was not nominated. (Disney
inexplicably pushed “Dos Oruguitas” from Encanto instead; it
lost to the Billie Eilish James Bond song.)
Beyoncé is a big star, though, and she
opened the show with the first-ever live performance of the Oscar-nominated
song, “Be Alive,” from King Richard. Which reminded us all that it’s a terrible
song that could not be saved by armies of dancers wearing tennis-ball-yellow
outfits and performing on the courts where Venus and Serena Williams learned to
volley.
The sweet moments came from relative
newcomers such as Ariana DeBose, who won Best Supporting Actress for West
Side Story (“Oh my word, you know what, what is this?”) and Best
Supporting Actor Kotsur, the deaf actor who said in sign language that when he
visited the White House, “I was planning on teaching them some dirty sign
language but Marlee Matlin told me to behave myself.” Kotsur said his dad was
the best signer in his family, but after a car accident he was paralyzed from
the neck down and rendered cruelly unable to use his hands. The presentation of
the final award was either touching or unbearable: To honor the 50th
anniversary of Cabaret, Liza Minnelli came out for a surprise
appearance, but she was wheelchair-bound and looked extremely frail. On a night
of surprises, this was a most unwelcome one.
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