Kurt Schlichter
Monday, November 04, 2013
You Millenials voted for Obama by a margin of 28 percent,
which will make it a lot easier for me to accept the benefits you will be
paying for. We warned you that liberalism was a scam designed to take the
fruits of your labor and transfer it to us, the older, established generation.
Oh, and also to the couch-dwelling, Democrat-voting losers who live off of food
stamps and order junk from QVC with their Obamaphones.
You didn’t listen to us. Maybe you’ll listen to pain.
I have been told that being hard on you Millennials will
turn you against conservatism, that I should offer you a positive, hopeful
message that avoids the touchy problem of your manifest stupidity.
No. There’s no sugar-coating it – your votes for
Democrats have ensured that you are the first generation in American history
that will fail to exceed what their parents attained. Embracing liberalism was
a stupid thing to do, done for the stupidest of reasons, and I will now let you
subsidize my affluent lifestyle without a shred of guilt.
I’m a 48 year old trial lawyer living on the coast in
California – I should have “Hope and Change” tattooed on my glutes. I’d have an
excuse to be lib-curious, but you Millennials? Why do you support an ideology
that pillages you to pay-off Democrat constituencies? Your time in the
indoctrination factories of academia trained you in a form of “critical
thinking” that is neither. Somehow, you came to embrace the bizarre notion that
conservatives are psychotic Jesus freaks who want to Footloosisze America into
a land of mandatory Sunday school and no dancing.
But liberals, in contrast, are nice. Obama is cool. You
chose petty fascism with a smile. Not a lot of thought went into it. Facts,
evidence – these were mere distractions from the feelings-based validation that
came from rejecting us wicked conservatives.
What did you get? The chance to be forced to buy health
insurance you don’t want at inflated rates so my rates can be lower. You get to
pay more out of your monthly barista take – liberalism ensured that the tanked
job market foreclosed a real career – so that I get to pay less out of my
lawyer checks. Thanks, suckers.
You fume that conservatives want to spy on you in your
bedrooms. Leaving aside the fact that that your tacky boudoir fumblings are the
last thing conservatives care about, have you noticed how your precious Big
Brother spies on your doings everywhere else? But who cares about that –
Mumford & Sons totally digs Obama!
Don’t even get me started on your crappy music.
Enjoy your student loans, Millennials! We tried to tell
you that it was a Democrat scam designed to subsidize liberal academia by
allowing you to go into decades of crushing debt to pay for a bachelors in
Ancient Guatemalan Gender Identity Issues.
Good plan. Now fetch my latte – I’m in a hurry to get to
my corner office. And I’ll leave you a tip – next time you decide to vote for a
liberal, first be born in 1964.
Don’t think that I’m happy about this. I came to Los
Angeles after the Gulf War. I had a car and a few bucks I had saved in the
desert which went right into paying for Loyola Law School. I had no contacts
and no money, but I knew I had endless opportunity.
I worked hard. I could start a business. I could get
credit. I could – and did – build my own future.
But can you? Liberalism, with its impoverishing
redistribution, crippling regulations and the debt it suckered you into
undertaking, has ensured that most of you can’t.
You live with your parents, and Obamacare encourages
sponging until you are 26 years old. At 26, I was leading Americans in a war,
not begging mommy to pay my bills. The liberals want you to be eternal
man-children, wearing cargo shorts and passively pumping money into their
socialized medicine nightmare in return for “Brosurance” you don’t want or
need.
It breaks my heart to see the young lawyers I hire
hobbled by six figures of debt. But hey, your desperation works fine for us
established folks. I got 297 applications for a junior associate position. Let
me say that again – 297. Most of them weren’t even practicing law – they were
brewing coffee, not writing briefs. Now, I understand that most of you learned
nothing but liberal clichés in college, but take a guess: As an employer, are
the salaries I pay generally more or less when I have 297 people competing for
each job?
So feel free to keep voting for the liberals who keep you
in chains. I’ll take my cheaper insurance, my future Social Security checks,
and the other benefits that come from being established without guilt. The guys
who you squander your votes upon certainly won’t change that equation. You’ll
tread water in life, but hey, at least those conservatives won’t be in charge!
Thanks again, suckers. Now get off my lawn.
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