By Doug Giles
Sunday, July 14, 2013
If you’re in your late teens and you get shot after
assaulting a neighborhood-watch supervisor, and you want someone else to get
blamed for your behavior, here are thirteen tips to make you look like an
“innocent child” that loves Skittles, doing math and riding horses versus a
gangbanger-in-waiting.
1. Don’t have pictures on social media, or on your cell
phone, of you holding guns like a gangsta. If you do take pictures with
firearms, make certain the weapon is held properly, away from the camera, with
your finger off the trigger and it does not give off the
I'm-a-criminal-in-training vibe. Just a thought.
2. Don't have multiple pictures of you inhaling weed
floating around on either social media or in your cell phone where the police
can retrieve them and use them against you. This, too, hampers the
"innocent child" motif.
3. Also, when you do flip off the camera, go with the
one-hand F-you, rather than the double finger fongool. The double-finger F-you
is too over the top. One F-you should suffice as it’ll show that you are a
gentleman that has restraint and are an innocent soul, almost … child like.
Indeed, the one-finger F-you can easily be explained as
innocuous, childhood banter between chums. For example, “Hi, do you want to
play? No? Okay, F-you. Have a good day, talk to you later”. See?
The double F-you is harder to explain away as it gives
more of an “F-off and die”, adultish message via the two foul hand gestures
which definitely are not childlike. Just pray about it and see what Jesus says.
4. Don’t call a neighborhood-watch volunteer a
“creepy-ass cracker” just before you assault him. If you do call someone this
racist term, make certain you do not say it to your friend who’s going to ratyou out during a future cross examination in court.
5. While we’re on the topic of friends, be careful to
establish credible friendships with young men and young women who don’t talk
smack in court to lawyers, appear horrid on television, who can read cursive
and they’re not … uh … um … inconsistent in their testimony.
6. Try to limit how many times you say, “motherf’er” on
Twitter as it looks un-childlike when it’s thrust into the court of public
opinion.
7. Also, don’t say the N-word all the time in your
tweets. It’s considered rude and it could cost you a future cooking show,
especially if you’re a white devil. See link above for examples.
8. Speaking of Twitter, don’t choose a handle like
“NO_LIMIT_NIGGA” as it makes it difficult for the state’s attorneys in their
prosecution, and for the media, to pawn you off as a mere lad that likes
multi-colored, fruit flavored confectionaries and artificially flavored and
sweetened canned teas.
9. Forgive me for harping on social media etiquette, but
I would also not say you, “wanna experience a white girl”, or mention that a
particular young girl is adept at fellatio. I would just stay away from all
tweeting about fornication and violence.
10. While at school, try not to get suspended for spraypainting the children’s lockers with “WTF”, especially if you have in your
current possession stuff like twelve articles of stolen women’s jewelry and a
big-ass screw driver used for breaking into homes.
11. Regarding cellular telephonic decorum, don’t take pictures of pot plants, illegal guns or talk about buying illicit .22 or .380
caliber handguns from your youthful mates. This, too, makes it hard for future
defenders to explain away
12. While we’re on the topic of school, try not to bring
your weed and weed pipe to school. If you do need to bring your hooch to school
for your frequent panic attacks, or just to take the edge off the difficulties
of the de rigueur of public education, try to conceal it better so you don’t
get caught.
13. Also, as you go through your teens, you might want to
think about not getting tattooed too much. In addition, I would forego the
gold-capped teeth and get porcelain veneers if you are truly in need of
cosmetic dental work.
Anyway, I hope this helps you should you ever end up in a
predicament because of your poor choices and you’d like to have it blamed on
others rather than you. Y’know, the media and race baiters can work miracles
but the more you hide/alter your current, aberrant behaviors, the easier it
will be to blame innocent people.
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