No Hard Feelings, Etc.

By Rob Long

Thursday, November 10, 2022

 

TO: djt@thetrumporganization.org
FROM: govrondesantis@statehouse.florida.gov
SUBJ: No hard feelings, etc.

 

Dear Mr. (Former) President:

 

I heard through a few of your many (former) employees that you’re concerned that I took offense at your funny, affectionate nickname — was it Ron Desanctified? Ron Desanctions? Ron Desantastic? I don’t really remember it exactly. Sometimes, just FYI, when you work a little too hard at something it falls sort of flat — anyway, what I wanted to say was, honestly and truly no hard feelings over here. It was taken in the spirit in which it was given, I’m sure. Everyone here at the Florida statehouse — and across the country — has that grandpa or great-grandpa who’s a little “out there.”

 

Anyway. To show there’s no hard feelings, please find attached a virtual gift card in PDF form for a Kentucky Fried Chicken “10 Piece Feast,” which includes 10 pieces of chicken, 2 large servings of mashed potatoes, gravy, 1 large container of coleslaw, 4 biscuits, and 4 chocolate-chip cookies. As you might gather, it’s supposed to be for 4 people but I think we both know that’s not gonna happen.

 

See you on Court TV??

 

Ron

 

TO: govrondesantis@statehouse.florida.gov
FROM: djt@thetrumporganization.org
SUBJ: IN RE: No hard feelings

 

Ron:

 

I know you must hate Trump because American Voters and Patriots refuse to switch their Support from Trump to anyone else and that makes you very Angry and probably Jealous of The Greatest President in American History, which is what a Lot of people have called Trump and I know that must make you Upset. Still, thank you for the KFC Feast which I Enjoyed.

 

 — Donald J. Trump, the 45th (and quite frankly people and all the polls are saying the 47th) President of the United States

 

TO: djt@thetrumporganization.org
FROM: govrondesantis@statehouse.florida.gov
SUBJ: Are you smelling burning toast?

 

Seriously now, I am concerned that you’re not doing so great. Your recent messages to me have been incoherent — more than usual, to be honest — and I’m becoming increasingly convinced that you are a victim of elder abuse by someone in your household. 

 

As you know, the health and safety of our nation’s seniors is of great importance to me. For that reason I am signing you up for daily check-in calls from IAMFINE.com, and they’ll be monitoring your safety from now on! We want you with us for a long, long time!

 

And I tried to get someone from your immediate family to take a more active part in this, but it’s been hard to get ahold of someone. They don’t live with you, I understand, which I guess leads to the isolation and to the delusional ideation so many of our country’s Silver Citizens suffer from.

 

Sad!

 

Best,

Ron

 

PS: Weird that your domain name is a .org. That usually denotes nonprofit status. And I don’t mean “nonprofit” as it’s applied sometimes to your business ventures (hello, Trump University! Trump Steaks, anyone?) but as a tax-exempt entity, which, um, is currently one of the (many) legal issues you’re facing? Am I right? Anyway, best wishes for a successful outcome to all of that.

 

TO: govrondesantis@statehouse.florida.gov
FROM: djt@thetrumporganization.org
SUBJ: my health

 

As you Can See, from the Enclosed health information from my Medical Doctor the health of Trump is Impeccable and Strongly Superb and quite frankly people have been calling me up and saying, Sir, have you seen Ron Desantimoniford, Desantisonnyboy, have you seen him, Sir, I mean it looks like he’s putting on some serious Weight. 

 

I am never better Some say and to be honest even doctors are saying, Sir, what’s your Secret due to the health factor? 

 

 — Donald J. Trump, the 45th (and quite frankly people and all the polls are saying the 47th) President of the United States

 

PS: I’m sending you a Weight Watchers brochure! Ron DeSandwich Guy!

 

TO: djt@thetrumporganization.org
CC: ivankatrump@kushnertrumpassociates.com, djtjr@thetrumporganization.org, erictrump@hotmail.com
FROM: govrondesantis@statehouse.florida.gov
SUBJ: Sundowner

 

Dear Mr. Former (One-Term) President:

 

Please please I beg you click on the attached link from the Mayo Clinic website, which gives a very clear definition of “sundowning.”

 

The key takeaway I’m taking the liberty of quoting here: “The term ‘sundowning’ refers to a state of confusion occurring in the elderly in the late afternoon and lasting into the night. Sundowning can cause different behaviors, such as confusion, anxiety, aggression or ignoring directions. Sundowning can also lead to pacing or wandering.”

 

I’m directing the Florida State Department of Health and Welfare, Task Force on Aging, to issue a statement confirming that you are, in fact, on our “watch list” — this should make your many many fans happy to know that you’re getting the very best of care.

 

You’re welcome!

 

Governor Ron DeSantis