By Kurt Schlichter
Monday, October 14, 2013
It’s clear that liberals like David Plouffe and David
Sirota have a moral duty to kill me. And to kill you too.
Plouffe says I’m a traitor, since I support “economic
treason.” David Sirota says I’m a “secessionist,” that I support a “coup”
leading to the destruction of the Union. This is the kind of mature,
carefully-considered insight I’d expect to be tweeted by the “Senior Advisor to
the President.” I expect nothing less from a writer at Salon.com, a website
that has nearly achieved its goal of tying the page view rankings of its main
competitor, NaughtyElderlyCheerleaderAction.org.
These trendsetters have displayed the courage to call us
what we are – traitors – so the next obvious step is to take action. We must be
stopped. It’s hard to see what choice they have – I, and all those enemies of
the state like me, must die.
Now, the tough part is doing it. Since between the two
Davids and me, I am the only one of us who swore to give my life to “support
and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign
and domestic,” I’m obligated to help defeat the threat to this nation posed by
me and those like me. So listen up, because neither of you defenders of the
Constitution has ever served in a war, much less two. On a gun, there’s this
long metal tube called the “barrel.” At one end, there’s this hole called the
“muzzle.” Now, put that muzzle up to my treasonous forehead and pull that
trigger thing.
Do it for your country. You’re the real heroes.
Plouffe can do it. He served at the University of
Delaware and did a few tours on Democrat campaigns, so he’s an expert on duty,
honor and country. Where is his parade, people?
Sirota can do it. He’s a warrior-scholar in residence at
Salon, where he pioneered a hitherto unknown mixed martial art called
“Siroting.”
These guys definitely have the stones to defend their
country against threats like us. I know I feel safer with them on the job, even
though I’m the threat.
There have been a lot of people showing the courage to
call us out lately, but it’s the Davids who have gone the extra mile and called
us out for what we truly are.
Sure, Harry Reid called Tea Party folks “anarchists,” but
he seemed to like anarchists when he’s dealing with the Occupy Wall Street
folks, so we can’t be sure he means that as invective.
Nancy Pelosi calls us “arsonists,” but she’s a liberal
and arsonists are common criminals. When a liberal calls you a “criminal,” it
means she thinks you’re a victim of society as well as a key constituent
demographic. In other words, she definitely meant it as a compliment.
Lots of the interchangeable WaPo/NYT types have labeled
conservatives with various permutations of the word “crazy,” per the memo. The
drooling shut-ins who still watch the network news have heard nothing but how
conservatives are mindless extremists between the Cialis commercials.
But, finally, someone has pointed out the elephant in the
room – that the elephant party, with the exception of a few visionary
submissives who can be relied upon to do their duty to facilitate
progressivism, is composed of traitors.
After all, what should happen to traitors? Not so-called
“traitors” like Hanoi Jane Fonda, who actually went to an enemy country and
cavorted with its military as Americans were tortured down the street. She’s
cool. Remember - dissent is the highest form of patriotism if there’s a
Republican in office.
No, I mean real traitors – you know, American citizens
like us who exercise their rights of free speech, of the press, to assemble,
and to petition for the redress of grievances in opposition to what the progressive
overlords command. The overlords are right not to forgive this outrageous
affront to their personal policy preferences. Our task is submission and
obedience as we work hard to generate tax receipts that can then be used to buy
off vast numbers of Democrat-voting losers eager to embrace serfdom in exchange
for a few crumbs in the form of EBT cards and Obamaphones.
Nope, we must be destroyed. It’s tough but fair. Using
the IRS to intimidate and harass us was a good start, but it’s time to take the
next step. Plouffe, I bet you can find Bill Ayer’s number on the White House
rolodex – ask him for his insights into dealing with recalcitrant kulaks.
I’m not wrong about what you meant, am I? I mean, you
used the words “treason,” “secessionist,” and “coup,” and I can’t imagine you’d
use words and not understand their implications. Traitors and secessionists and
coup plotters are really bad people, and they need to be punished. You wouldn’t
knowingly use inflammatory language just to dehumanize your opponents and pump
up your pinko fanboys as they sit in their biker shorts gazing at their iPads
while sipping locally-sourced chai tea. You meant what you said, right?
Of course you did. Why, otherwise, you’d just be mouthy
little posers.
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