By Charles C. W. Cooke
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
In the great progressive spirit, here are a few tips on
how to talk to — and morally improve — your family this Thanksgiving:
1. Your crazy uncle complains in passing that the
construction on Redlands Avenue is limiting the flow of traffic to his hardware
store, and wonders if the job could be completed more quickly.
This must not be allowed to stand. Ask your uncle if he’s
an anarchist and if he has heard of Somalia. If you missed Politics 101 at
Oberlin, refer to the Fact Cards that you have printed out from Vox.com and
explain patiently that the government is the one thing that we all belong to
and that the worry that it is “too big” or “too centralized” or “too slow to
achieve basic tasks” has a long association with neo-Confederate causes.
Remind him also that:
• the state has a monopoly on legitimate violence.
• Europe is doing really well.
• The Koch Brothers.
• “Obstruction.”
Should all that fail, insist sadly that if he doesn’t
fully apologize for his opinions you will have to conclude that he hates gay
people. Ask why your family has to talk about politics all the time.
2. Your younger sister asks you to pass her the turkey
from your end of the table; your older brother asks if you will pour him
another glass of the wine you brought to the meal.
Explain to your siblings that you are not a maid just
because you have a vagina. Ask them if they have even considered the gender
binary lately.
Refuse to hand anything over until you have been given
verbal acknowledgement that the person requesting service understands the
health consequences of his/her/it/oi/er/im/yown choices. A particularly
effective way of keeping the attention of those who ask for alcohol at family
gatherings is to pull a couple charts from the latest NIH studies on substance
abuse. Given that the topic has now come up, make sure to ask your
interlocutors whether they consider themselves to be “evangelists for
Obamacare.” (Should they call it Obamacare, again, see your Fact Cards for a
neo-Confederate connection.) If they admit that they do not, inquire as to why
they are so indifferent to women of color. At this point, it is acceptable to
start screaming.
Those asking for more meat should be informed as politely
as possible that they are no better than murderers and that the production of non-vegan
foodstuffs is extremely harmful to the environment. Note that those who
compliment the turkey essentially wish Indonesian children to drown. Remind
those at the table that you are a fruitarian and that you have been gluten free
for 47 days straight now.
To avoid having to repeat these steps during each and
every course, sneak out on the perfectly normal and socially acceptable pretext
that you are going to have a late-term abortion and throw all the sugary
desserts into the garbage. Goodbye transfats.
3. Your brother-in-law expresses the view that the United
States is a “great country” and that he is “lucky” to live here.
Most likely, your brother-in-law’s admiration for his
country is nothing more than an expression of his white, straight,
middle-class, cis-male, able-bodied, thin-normative, mono-romantic,
folically-normal, kink-shaming, assimilationist, stare-raping privilege. Say “I
can’t even” so that all present will understand that you are serious.
Next, consider passive-aggressive comments about all
those who are not able to enjoy a warm meal today: among them, Native
Americans, slaves, transgender animals, otherkins, the homeless, and the
victims of America’s many foreign wars. Point out that the United States cannot
be that great if it is fifth in global zinc production and people are still
permitted to buy SUVs. Ask aloud why America is the only country in the world
that hasn’t been progressive enough to submit its Bill of Rights to a majority
of the voters.
If anyone in your extended family has moved here from
another country, ensure that you educate them about the downsides of their
adopted home before it is too late. Lament the false consciousness of the
American voter. Note that you feel sorry for the young people in your family.
Correct anyone who disagrees by saying the word “Fox.” Demand to know why your
“empowered and beautiful” sister married a Republican.
4. Somebody around the table suggests that “we should say
grace.”
Insist that you are permitted to say a few words first,
for balance. Use the opportunity to read the entirety of Richard Dawkins’s The
God Delusion — in Spanish. Administer a test to ensure that those present have
listened and have absorbed its message. If you can record this and post it to
Reddit, that is even better. If not, do not worry. There will be another chance
next year.
Finish your moment with a brief spiritual reading from
the Hadiths.
5. Your grandfather tells a hunting story.
Danger! This means that, somewhere in the house, your
grandfather must have a gun. Panic immediately. After noting that any parents
who brought their children to the gathering are irresponsible, find the
firearms and the ammunition and inspect them all personally. Read your
grandfather a safety briefing, as prepared by Moms Demand Action’s Shannon
Watts. If he protests, remind him that his many tours in Vietnam do not
constitute sufficient weapons training and that, anyway, Vietnam actually has a
lower murder rate than the United States. If your grandfather has locked his
firearms inside a safe in the basement, make him open it so that you can tell
him indignantly to keep the guns locked and inaccessible.
6. The men decide it’s time to watch some football.
Football is a violent, regressive game that encourages
hyper-masculinity and leads to the exploitation of the poor. Worse, men’s
enthusiasm for it only reinforces gender stereotypes and the alcohol-industrial-complex.
Without descending into tone-policing, cut the television’s power cables and
suggest to your family that they host a conversation on race instead. If they
refuse, accuse them of hate speech.
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