The Top 5 Ways The Tea Partiers Are Ruining America

By John Hawkins
Tuesday, August 09, 2011

If it wasn't for those darn Tea Partiers, we’d already be in Obamatopia with unicorn-powered cars and an economy driven to new heights by unity, hope, and most importantly, THE POWER OF LOVE. Why, oh why, do those Tea Partiers want to ruin all that? Why can't they be more agreeable and civilized -- like Meghan McCain or David Frum?

Worse yet, their numbers seem to be growing. According to Gallup, there are now as many people who consider themselves to be Tea Partiers as there are people who consider themselves to be liberals. Obviously there can be only one reason for that: the incredible, pro-conservative bias of the American press. Well, never fear, friends -- for today you will read the truth spoken to power! Feel free to pat me on the back for my stunning courage at any time.

1) The Tea Partiers Lost America's AAA Credit Rating. Sure, the Tea Partiers may have supported the Ryan Plan and Cut, Cap, and Balance, both of which would have preserved America’s AAA credit rating, but what we’ve just experienced is a “Tea Party downgrade.” How does that work? Well, just as Paul Revere caused the British to attack America and Mothers Against Drunk Driving causes people to drive drunk, the Tea Partiers caused America's credit downgrade with their incessant demands that we cut spending to avert a credit downgrade…or something. It’s a little foggy.

2) The Tea Partiers Are Extremely Radical. Have you heard these radical yahoos going on about what they want to do? They actually want to stick to the Constitution and balance the budget! What kind of crazy talk is that? Need I remind you that the last time we had people talking like that in this country, they clung to their guns and religion, too. Next thing you know, they actually overthrew the government over taxes. Are those really the type of people we want to emulate in this country?

3) The Tea Partiers’ Patriotism Is Appalling. How do people keep from retching when they hear these speakers talking about the Founding Fathers and encouraging crowds of American flag-waving Tea Partiers to keep the American Dream alive? Don't they know that sophisticated Americans recognize that America is the root of all evil in the world? Haven't these people read Noam Chomsky? Haven't they noticed our President bowing to other world leaders because he's so embarrassed to be leading a country like America?

4) The Tea Partiers Use Violent Rhetoric. Have you ever listened to these Tea Partiers talk? It's "cut" this, "target" that, "job killing," "liberty or death," "Don't Tread of me!" Obviously, when we're dealing with hostage-taking, fascistic terrorists who want to dynamite the American political system and force us all to eat "Satan sandwiches," then we've got to stop their violent rhetoric by any means necessary while showing the sort of civility that these Tea Baggers have such disdain for. Granted, our manners and civilized behavior put us at a disadvantage when fighting against these filthy hobbits, but never fear, we'll still take the high road and win!

5) The Tea Partiers Are Diehard Racists! Obviously, Tea Partiers are hardcore racists -- like members of the KKK – well, other than Robert Byrd, bless his soul. Have you heard some of the things these people have said? How about the Tea Partier who described Obama as "a 'light-skinned' African American 'with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.'” Ooops, that was Harry Reid! Well, what about the Tea Partier who said, "A few years ago, (Obama) would have been getting us coffee." Ah...actually, that was Bill Clinton. All right, here’s one: How about this Tea Partier quote, "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." So, that was Joe Biden? Well, Barack Obama is a prominent black American who says those people are all right -- so that proves they're not racists! Can anyone name one prominent black American who says the same thing about the Tea Partiers? Allen West, well, he is one -- but, can you name another? Herman Cain? Tim Scott? Larry Elder? What about the black Tea Partiers who protested the NAACP, you ask? Well, well....the Tea Partiers are racist...BECAUSE!