By Mike Adams
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Late Friday morning of last week, I got interrupted by a
call from Katie Pavlich. It's not like I was working - I haven't worked on a
Friday morning since I got tenure back in 1998. It's just that I was cleaning
one of my favorite .44 magnums and didn't want to be disturbed at that
particular moment. Nonetheless, Katie was having some problems with the folks
at UNC - Chapel Hill and she needed some help. So I put down my Smith and
Wesson and gave her my best advice.
For those who haven't yet heard, Katie was invited by the
College Republicans to speak at UNC-CH. But the folks in student government
said she was "non-intellectual" and had "no value" as a
speaker. So they refused to fund her speech and gave it to some feminists and
anarchists instead. (Please pardon any redundancy in that last sentence).
Although Katie contacted me for support, I had to be
honest with her. I agree with the UNC-CH student government. Katie is a
non-intellectual with no value as a speaker. Furthermore, the funding debacle
at UNC-CH is entirely her fault. If Katie knew anything about the UNC system,
she could have taken any number of measures to ensure full funding of her
event. I shared a number of examples with Katie. Just in case you're a
conservative woman seeking an audience at UNC-CH, I'm sharing these tips with
you, free of charge.
- Dress up as a six foot vagina. A few years ago at
Appalachian State, which is in the UNC system, a feminist at the Women's Center
went parading across campus dressed in a six foot tall vagina costume. She and
her fellow feminists managed to get funding for The Vagina Monologues. They
were also allowed to advertise for it with the giant vagina costume. Katie
could have borrowed that costume and even given her speech wearing it. She
would have looked every bit as intellectual as an Appalachian State feminist.
Then, the UNC system would have funded her speech in a heartbeat. Sometimes
appropriate business attire really makes a difference. This is especially true
when you want to come across as a true intellectual.
On a side note, UNCW Feminists also managed to get
funding to sell little vagina-shaped lollipops when they put on the Vagina
Monologues. If Katie were to put in a request to sell these p*ssy pops (that is
what they actually called them) at her speech, then she would likely get full
funding. It's not a truly intellectually stimulating event unless feminists are
walking around licking sugar-coated treats that look like genitalia.
- Drop your guns and celebrate "kick ass"
feminism. Katie needs to get off of this gun kick. Last year, one of my
feminist colleagues, Donna King, published a book called Men Who Hate Women:
And the Women Who Kick Their Asses. In it, she advanced the concept of
"kick ass feminism." One of the chapters in her book praised a
feminist in a Stieg Larsson novel who retaliated against a man who had
previously raped her. She accomplished the retaliation by finding him, tying
him up, and then shoving metal objects up his rectum.
Clearly, Katie's ideas about preventing violence via
lawful gun possession are anti-intellectual, even if supported by the work of
scholars like John Lott. If Katie wants to be a true intellectual, she needs to
renounce guns and convince women to wait until after they are raped to deal
with the rapist via vigilantism. No need for guns. All you need is a little
rope and a few metal objects to shove up the rapist's rectum once he's safely
bounded and gagged. If a feminist intellectual recommends a vigilante course of
action, you know it has to be sound. Plus, the word "vigilante"
sounds similar to vagina. And that's always reassuring.
- Tell UNC feminists that some handguns can also be used
as sex toys. A few years ago, UNC Chapel Hill decided that "orgasm
awareness week" was of enough intellectual value to merit funding from the
university. In fact, they built a temporary vibrator museum right there in the
middle of the campus. I told Katie that she should just tell campus feminists
that they don't have to be afraid of handguns. Tying it into sex (please, no
bondage jokes) is a sure way to win over the hearts and minds of sex crazed, I
mean, intellectually gifted UNC feminists. Tell them the guns can also be used
as sex toys and you'll get full funding. Tell them that guns can also be used
to perform late term abortions (4th trimester and beyond) and they'll make you
director of the Women's Center.
- Dress up as a gorilla and throw bananas at the
audience. A few years ago, our women's center paid for a group called the
Gorilla Girls to come to campus. They were some serious intellectuals. They
dressed up in gorilla costumes and threw bananas at audience members. I told
Katie she should emulate them. Put on a gorilla outfit and throw bananas at
students who are there earning extra credit. Hit them in the face with those bananas.
I mean, knock the crap out of them. Hit them hard enough and they'll start to
agree that they need to be armed with handguns to protect themselves from
assault and battery.
- Fly in on a private jet. Arianna Huffington was paid
$12,500 to fly into UNC - Wilmington on a private jet. During her tree hugging
feminist speech, she lectured the audience about driving SUVs and wasting
precious gasoline. Nothing communicates a need for a giant honorarium better
than having your own private jet. And people who use a private jet to
facilitate a lecture on energy conservation tend to be intellectually gifted,
high value speakers.
- Stop wearing makeup and shaving your arm pits. I know
she's never heard this before but Katie is not ugly. And that's a serious problem
for her. These UNC feminists are tough on good looking women. They have a real
disdain for makeup and razor blades. If Katie started looking a little more
like a French foreign exchange student then she might be taken more seriously
by the UNC feminists. In a nutshell, when a woman dresses and carries herself
like Katie Pavlich, bad things are bound to happen. She really brought the
whole thing on herself and should have sought my advice much sooner. If she
had, she would be rubbing elbows with Gorilla Girls and making a down payment
on her first private jet.
In all seriousness, I believe it’s time for UNC-CH to
stop holding itself out as an institution interested in achieving intellectual
diversity through the free and open exchange of ideas. And it's past time to
get rid of its official motto, Lux Libertas.
How about Collis Hypocrisi instead?
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