Obama Should Tell Us How He Killed Bin Laden

By John Ransom
Monday, December 12, 2011

As Barack Obama resurrects his Osama-Bin-Laden-is-Still-Dead reelection tour, he might want to sit down and tell the American people exactly how he got Bin Laden.

Seriously: I’d love to hear the story of how he put together the operation that killed the world’s most dangerous man.

He must have trained for a long time to pull it off.

Because one of the reasons Obama is using to argue for his reelection to the post of president of these here United 57 States of America is that he killed Bin Laden.

Yeah. That’s right. And all this time you thought he was golfing?

Forget about the economy and jobs.

According to Obama, the economy is the fault of George Bush and the Republicans who won’t raise taxes.

The budget?

Oh, that’s the fault of the greedy economy that won’t allow him to raise taxes.

The debt?

That’s the fault of greedy bankers and investors who expect to get paid back by the United States of America- and thus won’t allow, him, Barack Obama, president of the United 57 States of America, to raise taxes.

See the pattern here?

But Bin Laden: That’s all, one-hundred percent Barack Obama.

Buy that man a Dos Equis…and another one.

This is verging on a reality that could put Obama up there with The Most Interesting Man in the World. Or at least make a great story for the J. Peterman catalogue.

Never mind that Afghanistan is coming apart. Never mind that Obama’s strategy to fire off missiles in Pakistan has damaged the relationship with our most important ally in fighting terrorists.

Never mind that Obama’s unilateral decision to get American troops out of Iraq has ceded the area to Iran. Never mind that we have a better idea what we are doing on the budget than we do on foreign policy.

Blah, blah, blah.

Forget too about the breakup of Europe. Or that on Obama’s watch we have entered a dangerous new age with weakened allies, the US isolated from the community of nations in a way incomprehensible to any president since the Great Depression.

Forget all this, because we are going to hear tell how he, Barack Obama, president of the United 57 States of America, made like Andrew Jackson at the Battle of New Orleans and took Bin Laden off the field.

And you know, now that Osama bin Laden is dead by the hand of Barack Obama, my life just keeps getting better and better.

For a long time it was really messing with my mojo having Bin Laden hiding out in that mud-walled house, with the crooked roof lines and the broken toys outside. Who did he think he was living there with all those women and that little, portable color TV, menacing the United States like that?

Sure, yeah, I liked it when people could buy houses in the US, and I wasn’t solely dependent on a Social Security Ponzi scheme to retire in 25 years. I admit that I loved getting 401K statements where the value of my investments kept going up.

But maybe Obama and Occupy Wall Street have a point.

Maybe living in a house and being self-sufficient money-wise isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

It certainly didn’t work out for Osama.

Thanks, Obama.