How to Solve the Deficit Like a Genuine Capitalist

By Christian Schneider

Thursday, May 08, 2025

 

Earlier this year, President Donald Trump unveiled his plan to create a new immigration “gold card,” which noncitizens could purchase for the low price of $5 million. The card would allow “high-level people” to circumvent the regular immigration process and gain immediate citizenship benefits.

 

It’s not clear how the program would work — perhaps instead of holding a tablet in her left arm, the Statue of Liberty should be holding a touchless credit card screen asking for tips.

 

But the government auctions off rights and privileges all the time. If you’ve been in an airport lately, you’ve likely seen the difference in the length of the lines for the regular TSA security check and the TSA PreCheck. To join the latter line, you pay $77.95, and suddenly the government no longer presumes you’re a terrorist.

 

Governments at all levels participate in commerce when they set fees. We all have a constitutional right to travel from state to state, but you can’t drive unless you pay for a driver’s license. In many states, you can get home faster if you pay more to drive in an express lane. Want to carry a firearm? Many states will make you purchase a concealed-carry permit.

 

Trump’s immigration gold card is just the logical extension of the government as a business.

 

And America needs the revenue. In fiscal 2024, the federal budget deficit stood at $1.9 trillion, and it is expected to grow to $2.8 trillion by 2034. Elon Musk’s DOGE, which claimed it would trim $1 trillion in spending out of the budget, now says it will cut only $150 billion, and even that number is about as stable as Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

 

Given that Congress does not have the stomach to start cutting mandatory programs, which make up two-thirds of federal spending, raising more revenue would probably do more to close the deficit.

 

But raising money doesn’t have to be as dull as slapping people with new taxes (especially when tariffs are already soaking the American public). In the spirit of the gold card, let’s start leveraging the things the federal government controls for profit.

 

Naming Rights: Don’t just change the name of a large body of water without taking bids first. Anyone who has seen a basketball game at Crypto.com Arena or the Smoothie King Center knows what I’m saying. Gulf of America? Imagine kicking the Associated Press out of your briefings if they refused to refer to it as the Gulf of Arby’s.

 

The Drinking License: You’ve heard all the arguments — at age 18, you can serve your country in war, own a firearm, get married, and be a parent, but you can’t legally buy a beer. Let’s try this instead: Allow people aged 18–20 to purchase a drinking license. A one-time fee of $200 enables you to order a PBR on Saturday nights without the bartender getting a visit from the cops. You’re probably drinking anyway, just come out of the shadows and do it where people can make fun of you when you fall into a bush.

 

President for a Day: States have figured out how to soak their citizens by running lotteries. Why not have a national Powerball-style contest where the winner gets to be president for a day? That seems scary until you realize that Joe Biden was president for four years and Donald Trump is going on five.

 

Speed Pass: Look, everyone drives faster than the posted speed limits, which means even Grandpa, driving 60 in his Toyota Avalon on a 55-mph highway, can get pulled over. For an extra fee, you can now purchase the Speed Pass: if you’re driving between one and nine miles per hour over the limit, you are free to go.

 

Government Documents as NFTs: Want to be recognized as the true owner of the U.S. Constitution or the Declaration of Independence? Do you want to claim possession of the Gettysburg Address or the John F. Kennedy assassination files? You don’t need to pull off a Nicolas Cage–style heist: Without ever coming into physical contact with the historical artifact, you can simply pay for the right to be recognized on the blockchain as the rightful owner. Literally anything can be sold as a non-fungible token (NFT), which is how people purchase non-physical things like digital ape cartoons. All the documents would stay where they are; you’d just have a fun story to tell people.

 

Make Our Currency Current: Hardly anyone uses cash anymore. So let’s get more creative with our paper money and sell the rights to be featured on America’s currency. Not only can you create your own denomination ($30 bill, here we come), but you can also put whomever you want on it. It could be you, your dog, or Sydney Sweeney.

 

Supreme Court Opinion Ads: In the old days, you’d have to wait for newspapers and magazines to explain Supreme Court rulings. Now, the opinions are all immediately posted online for your own intellection. But some of these opinions run hundreds of pages, and what if you get hungry in the middle of a Sonia Sotomayor dissent? Selling advertising space in the opinions would provide useful information to the public, such as the nearest pizza-delivery joint, while earning the judicial branch a little, um, dough.

 

Enact just a few of these, and we are well on our way to balancing the federal budget. Or, the government could just spend less than it takes in.

 

But now I’m just being silly.